I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
