i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
God, I missed his penis.
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