The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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