the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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