she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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