I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
