After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
