I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize