After last night, I could never be a politician.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
