I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
