i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
