Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She's the barista slut.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
