Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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