Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
