I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
