Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
