R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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