How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
