Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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