Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
