I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
