Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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