would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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