This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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