I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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