I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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