I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
