hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
