Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
