someone owes me an orgasm
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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