I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
