if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
