Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
