You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
