Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
