Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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