do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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