Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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