Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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