I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
