she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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