i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
