I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
