do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
