i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
