Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
