I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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