Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
