in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
