Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
