U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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