so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
