i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
