youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
