Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
