I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
