I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
