Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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